starting Over

After 2 long, painful, frustrating, and lonely years I have decided it is time for me to start the difficult journey of starting over, again. God willing this will be the last time I will have to start over. When I answered the call to ministry, I understood that it would not be an easy path, but no earthly idea I would go through such literal hell here on earth. Of course, I know being a Christian is not always a bowl of cherries either. The enemy, Satan, hates Christians and would love to get us away from Jesus. He has not the power to do so, but he can make your life so difficult you sometimes choose to give up on your faith and walk away. After many years of fighting with Satan as my adversary I told him to have at it because he is making me quite the prayer warrior.  He is a defeated foe because Jesus put him under His feet (defeated him and took dominion back over the earth) a long time ago.  

Anyway, I have made the choice to get out, get back to work for Abba (God), and to take my life back. It will not be easy, mostly because of the constant excruciating pain that I'm in, but it is necessary and something I am prepared to do. I have allowed myself to be depressed, anxious and downright angry for far too long. I realize that grief is not a linear process, and it is a process, but it is also time for me to start my life again. I have reconnected with a few friends, volunteered to start the grant writing process for our food pantry at church along with an experienced pastor, teach Sunday School again, volunteer at another local ministry, and whatever else Abba leads me to do and gives me the strength to do. He has blessed me with so many gifts and instead of using them to bring Him glory I have been wasting them. My husband, Charlie, used to wear a shirt that said, " work for God, the retirement benefits are great". Now he is reaping the benefits as he is now at home with Jesus. Since he is no longer here, I have had to learn to do the simple things he used to do for me that cause me much pain such as simply walking to the post office, washing and drying the clothes and putting them away, lifting anything that's heavier than a quart of creamer, run to the store to pick up something I had forgotten. I suppose everyone takes their spouse for granted after spending half of your life together and expect to grow very old together. I have learned to never take anything, or anyone, for granted. I have literally dropped in a parking lot with no warning from a brain aneurysm and lost my very healthy husband to Covid pneumonia way too soon. I tell those I love that I love them and always say see you later, never goodbye. It will never be goodbye if you are Christians because when your time comes you will spend an eternity with them in heaven. If they are not there already, they will be. I heard a pastor say once that you never retire if you work for God, and I suppose that is very true. I often wonder what job Abba has for me to do in heaven. If nothing else, to spend all day praising Him and worshipping will be enough as I enjoy both quite a bit even on my worst days.