Frustrating Day

I suppose this post is a get it off my chest post, to a point as today has been a very frustrating day, to put it mildly, to be honest. The bad part is that I can't even write about what upsets or frustrates me the most because my kids will read this as they have access to it.

My grandson has a 3 year old daughter he took custody of and is raising. He met someone 2 years ago, and even though they are like oil and water, they stay together. They should have gone their separate ways, and they did. She comes to him the next day saying she was pregnant and apparently had been for months but chose until they separated to tell him so he would take her back. The catch is, the apt manager said if she came back he would be subsequently evicted because she causes so many problems. He loves her, she is carrying his child, and of course he took her back. Bad idea, but he wants to do the right thing because he loves her and was raised to do the right thing. Now they are within weeks of becoming homeless and I am powerless to help them as I no longer have a home. His mother's new husband won't let them live there either. My heart is literally breaking and I am fighting panic attacks with all of this on top of my other issues that I cannot speak of because of the repercussions. 

I truly am considering getting in my car, driving as far as I can and stopping to rent a room wherever I land. The problem with that is I cannot see well out of my right eye at the moment and my heater hose is leaking coolant. My grandson is a mechanic, but has too much on his plate at the moment to fix it for me. 

I have too much on my plate as it is, but no one to talk to because no one cares. I am told to "get over it and get on with my life" pretty much. Ouch!! I may have health issues, but on the whole I deal pretty well with them. My kids have no idea what I go through on a daily basis because they don't want to hear it and if I complain I am in the dog house. I feel as though I am walking on eggshells and this is my family I am dealing with. I know my kids have their own issues to deal with and don't need to hear me complain. I am on a waiting list for an apt. and she said today it will be about 6 more months until an apt is available. I have never applied for government assisted housing in my life, but as a widow you do what you have to do. It is quite degrading and embarrassing. I had no idea it would ever come to this, but it has. Truthfully, more days than not I wish I could join my husband and have seriously considered it. I just want to sleep in my car in the cemetary as I did once before. I have privacy, it's peaceful and I can have a good cry without anyone asking questions. I also feel close to him there even though I know he is in heaven. His grave is there so I feel as though part of him is still there even though I know better. Somehow it's just comforting. 

I have a place to live so I feel grateful. I also feel like I am in the way as I sleep in my son's living room. I can't shut the doors to be alone because I am allergic to the bunny I share a room with. Also, if someone wants to watch a movie or TV I am in the way. It's just difficult at times. No one where I live has any idea of how I actually feel or what I am going through because I'm just expected to deal with it. My younger son takes me to all of my procedure appointments and he has his hands full with his special needs child. He's always there for me no matter what. When I had my own apartment he would take me to my back procedures, bring over his PS4 and camp out to keep an eye on me and help me as I'm not supposed to do anything for 24 hours afterwards except lay down because there are punctures down to my spine. He would even get me ice every couple of hours so I wouldn't have to get up. He would make a great nurse. I suppose from having to do so much for his son he has learned to be quite a good caregiver and I very much appreciated it. Now, I'm pretty much on my own. My husband used to make me the best hot tea after my procedures. I very much miss that, too. Both of my sons love me and take good care of me; I just feel as though I'm in the way so I'm starting to leave the house as much as I can to give them their home back. I just hope my car doesn't go nuts on me. I was outside pretty much most of the day today and didn't want to come back, but it's hard to see after dark.

I'm going to try to find some sort of job if I can find someone to hire me. Since I am trained in all the dementias I may try to get private sitting jobs again. I am going to volunteer maybe a couple days a week at a local ministry as well to help people in need as well as be around people as I am a people person. I get regular injections in my eye and my vision is fuzzy for a couple of days and also get radiofrequency nerve ablations in my back to kill the nerves that cause constant nerve pain in my lumbar region. My spinal cord is being compressed because I am told my entire spine is full of arthritis compressing my spinal cord as are 3 disks that are out of place. This causes weakness and numbness in my hands, legs and feet, especially the left side so I get what feels like electric shocks in my legs and feet and that is hard to hide because it makes me jump. Surgery is not an option. It will be hard to find and work regular hours with all of that going on, but I am going to give it a shot. I am having such a hard time dealing with all of this still and am so lonely I don't know what to do. Everyone has their own lives and routines and I don't anymore. I feel as though I don't belong anywhere, especially around other couples when I'm invited out. My friend and her husband invite me out, but it's a bunch of couples. It is nice to be out around like minded people, but makes me feel even more alone and isolated. No one gets what you are going through unless they have been through it. I have been through more in my lifetime than anyone should ever have to go through and if it wasn't for my Jesus I would have checked out long ago. I won't say I'm not still tempted to do it with my prognoses that my doctors are telling me. I just realize how much pain it leaves your family in if you decide you have had enough and check out because my brother did that to us. It leaves an indescribable wake of pain, guilt that maybe you could have stopped them and broken hearted because they are gone. Since I had to take care of my husband with early onset Alzheimer's disease I had my hands so full I couldn't even grieve my mother and brother who died within 4 months of each other. Now I seem to be still grieving them all at one time and it's literally wiping me out. I tend to push pain to the back burner because of my diagnosis with PTSD, but eventually it escapes and hits me full force and I feel as though I cannot contain it, but I have to put on the brave mask around everyone and act like I'm ok. It is killing me to keep it bottled up yet I feel I have no choice because no one wants to hear it. This is why I feel like just leaving and starting over in a whole different place. No one will know me, I can keep to myself until I get through this and I won't have to explain or hide anything for or to anyone. It would be so very freeing if it were possible. You never know; nothing is impossible with God.