God

I was just texting my younger son and the subject of being grateful no matter what came up. It dawned on me that although I thank Abba (Father God) each day for just being able to wake up to face another day is truly a gift after some of the things I have been through. I have been doing more complaining than speaking thankfulness for sure for a while now. My family is telling me so pretty much every day, "stop complaining". I absolutely got a good taste of the complaint train with a high school friend of mine I reconnected with. It was literally nonstop pages of text complaints all hours of the day and night. One time it was 3 am and she couldn't sleep so she began texting me assuming my phone was on silent...it should have been I thought.

Have you ever had a total God Day? That is a day where everything you do, or do not do, falls into place like puzzle pieces, something you have been praying for and out of the blue it comes to you. I had one of those a few weeks ago. As I have said before, I am living with my son and family after my husband died.

Yesterday was a better day because at our church, The River in Cambridge, Md. the Pastors opened the church to the Holy Spirit and let Him run the service, which they often do. When you praise God He is right there in the midst of everything as well as His angels. Angels hearken ( listen, pay attention) to the word of God so as soon as you speak scripture they are right there listening & taking your prayers to Abba our Father in heaven. I cannot describe how awesome the prescence of God is when He is right there with you and filling the sanctuary, or any place you praise Him. King David often spoke of God and praising him in the sanctuary in the Old Testament. He had a very close relationship with God, our Father, our creator.

I suppose this post is a get it off my chest post, to a point as today has been a very frustrating day, to put it mildly, to be honest. The bad part is that I can't even write about what upsets or frustrates me the most because my kids will read this as they have access to it.

I just have to give God the glory for a wonderful, and much needed, answer to prayer. Today my grandson saw his orthopedist and was told, after taking an xray of his hip, that he was good to go to start physical therapy. My grandson is special needs so it has been especially hard for him and his dad because he takes him to all of his doctor's appointments. He has such a rare disorder that he literally has a team of doctors and I pray for the mind of Christ for all of them. I automatically thanked Abba (God) for answered prayer and if I could I would jump up and down. 

It has been a little over 2 years since Charlie went home to be with Jesus. I often visit his grave just to feel close to part of him that's left here on earth. It may sound silly, but I can pour out my heart and no one hears except me and God. Sometimes it is quite cathartic, a way to release your frustrations and anxiety in complete privacy. I cannot say it is always good things; in fact I was quite angry with him (one of the stages of grief) and literally said all the things I didn't have the chance to hash out with him because he was taken way too soon. Even though it has been two years I still am grieving, lonely and lost. After 33 years, half of my life with having someone to share your life with, good or bad, I am at a loss.

    It has been a year and a half since my husband, Charlie, went home with Jesus and I still miss him daily. I ask my Father in heaven, Abba, to get me through each day and He does, even though I don't feel Him, but I know He is there catching each tear and grieving with me. At the same time, Charlie is spending time with Jesus, Abba, Moses and all the saints he has the privilege to be with each day. These thoughts of the beauty, the loving people he's with for all eternity makes me smile, as well as the fact that I'll be with him again for all eternity some day. 

It has been nearly 5 months since My husband went to be with Jesus. I still awaken in tears and go to sleep in tears. I know the "normal" grieving process is from 6 months to 1 year, but each individual grieves in their own way and in their own time period. I have tried to give his things away, but each time I put something in a donation box I have a panic attack and cannot finish it. I did give my sons and grandsons some of his personal belongings I thought he would like them to have. We lived on social security so, we are not wealthy, but he had a few things to pass on.

For the past 32 years I have held the title of "wife". Now, after my husband went home to be with Jesus several months ago I am  titled "widow". This is an extremely difficult transition to deal with. Although I am still the much loved daughter of the Most High God, it is very devastating to say the least. I awaken each morning and he is not there; I go to bed each night and he is not there; I start to prepare dinner, when I feel like eating, and he is not there to "help me" in the kitchen. I feel like half of me is missing and I am not me anymore. I still cannot go to the grocery store without breaking down and having panic attacks often.