Getting through difficult times

It has been a little over 2 years since Charlie went home to be with Jesus. I often visit his grave just to feel close to part of him that's left here on earth. It may sound silly, but I can pour out my heart and no one hears except me and God. Sometimes it is quite cathartic, a way to release your frustrations and anxiety in complete privacy. I cannot say it is always good things; in fact I was quite angry with him (one of the stages of grief) and literally said all the things I didn't have the chance to hash out with him because he was taken way too soon. Even though it has been two years I still am grieving, lonely and lost. After 33 years, half of my life with having someone to share your life with, good or bad, I am at a loss. I miss being held at night and my hot tea after back procedures, the little things we take for granted. One friend from a new church I have started attending, The River in Cambridge, Md., with 2 of my grandsons, recommended volunteering at the Overflow Cafe' down the street as they are a community serving ministry; feeding the homeless, helping the mentally ill, etc. The owner and his wife are Pastors so they have a heart for anyone in need. Hopefully next week I'll feel up to going there a couple days  a week to help out with my training and God given gifts. The owner said I could be a big help. Not to mention they have good food and good coffee. 

I have found over the years that God will lead you where you are supposed to be. It is up to you to listen and be obedient. I felt called to this church when I lived in the bad neighborhood and I used to walk down to the Cafe' to have coffee and chat with the Pastor after my husband died. At times I thought the four walls were going to cave in on me because I spent so much time in the apartment alone and afraid. I finally listened and went to The River with my grandson. When we walked in you could literally feel God's love and the people there are so welcoming. It does not matter what you wear, who you are, where you came form, if you are homeless and in need, if you are an addict looking for love; Jesus loves and welcomes anyone and everyone and this church follows His lead. It is non-denominational and we worship God and just let the Holy Spirit ( God's Spirit) do what He does. It is the most peaceful and love-filled church I have ever been to and will stay and use my God given gifts to do what God has called me to do, to love the lost and downtrodden and help them feel the love of Jesus. This is where God has led me to be,as well as the Overflow Cafe' to help hurting, lost and lonely people. The cafe' is only half a block from the church and the Pastor comes in often after his service at his church. They partner to feed the hungry as we have a food pantry and help those in need in the community. I am so privileged to be a part of the collaboration as my strongest gift is evangelism and I really get to use it. I have been blessed with many gifts and God uses them all when the time is right. It is Him working through me, and others, to help people know His love, His healing and forgiving heart, His great wish to have a relationship with us. 

I have found over the past couple of years that self isolation and wallowing in self pity just makes things so much more difficult. I was driving my family crazy complaining all the time about being bored, lonely, etc. I have a heart to serve and helping other people, just being around people, makes me feel so much better. I am trying to get out of the house every day if it is only to walk to the post office. At least I am trying to get my life back. It is so very difficult at my age to suddenly become a widow. Your lifelong companion is gone, your income puts you at below the poverty level, you have to move in with family because with the rental prices you can no longer afford to live on your own. It will put you in a deep dark pit if you let circumstances win, which is where I was. I still have bad days because of chronic pain, but I am determined to not let the pain rule my life anymore.

I was told my prognosis is eventually a wheelchair from the compression on my spinal cord and eventually losing my sight from Macular degeneration as my mother did. I refuse to accept that and am trusting God that He won't allow it. Many people with disabilities serve God quite well, but I would prefer to not go there. At any rate, I am trying to get through the grief that still hits me hard some days and start to regain my life, alone or not. I have found, as well, that when you have a relationship with Jesus He will simply pick you up in HIs arms and quite literally carry you through the hardest of times. He loves everyone no matter what and wants a relationship with us. He will forgive anyone of anything and be your friend if you ask and let Him into your heart. Yesterday I spent some alone time with Him and I felt peace you would not believe after two of the worst days I have had in a very long time. I felt like laying on my husband's  grave and joining him; I seriously considered it.  After having a good cry for a couple of hours I decided not to. When someone commits suicide it leaves an unbelievable wake of pain, asking why, guilt because you think you may have been able to prevent it, and pure grief from the loss. My brother committed suicide 4 months after my mother's death and it devastated his children and all of us who were left behind to deal with the enormous amount of pain. What my mother said years ago popped in my head when I considered suicide; only cowards take their own life instead of asking for help or dealing with their issues. While this is true for some, it does not fit everyone. When you get to that point you think the only way to escape the unbearable pain you are feeling is to leave this earth. I have been there; and you don't say a word to anyone, you just attempt it. Thankfully, God did not let me die. He woke me up after taking a half bottle of Xanax and washing them down one by one with liquor. By all rights I shouldn't be here.

I earnestly pray that if anyone reading this is considering suicide don't be ashamed to ask for help. Many people have to deal with physical abuse, mental abuse, bullying, feeling worthless and no one will ever love them, that you aren't worth anyone's time, betrayal by those who you thought loved you, molestation and more. I am here to say I have been through all of that and more. It is not worth your life because guess what; if you take your life they win. They go on with their lives with not one thought of what they pushed you to. Do Not let them win. Ask for help! He (God) has saved my life on many occasions. I know so many people don't even know God, but He knows you and nothing shocks him so, call out to Him. Just say God I need you, help me....forgive me and I want to know you. He will hear you and will answer with His love. 

Since He has saved me so many times I guess He has something very important for me to do yet. It is up to me to say yes to Him and I did. Now I just have to wait and see what door/doors he opens. God loves each and every one of us and has already laid out a plan for all of us. He also has given us free will so we have to choose Him, He won't make us do anything because he loves us. We just have to let Him in and find out what He wants us to do. I am 67 years old and it has taken me quite a few years to figure out what to do. The good part is that if we think that's what He wants us to do and make a mistake He'll let us know. We get to try again. Jesus gave His life for us so we can be forgiven and reunited with our creator, God. I cannot explain in words the depth of His love. Even when I walked away from Him, He never left me. When I had brain aneurysm surgery and it was touch and go if I would make it, Jesus sat with me for 3 days dressed as a nurse named John. My mother saw this nurse and told me. I remember waking up briefly and seeing the most beautiful man who when he smiled at me the whole room lit up with peace. That's how much He loves us. Later I wanted to thank him for sitting with me like that because that was above and beyond, even in neuro ICU, and was told there was no John there. Come to think of it, he did not even have on the right color scrubs for that floor as each floor of the hospital wore a different color for identification purposes. I often wonder if He did that on purpose so I would know it was Him. There is no doubt in my mind that It was Jesus.