Grieving proccess

It has been nearly 5 months since My husband went to be with Jesus. I still awaken in tears and go to sleep in tears. I know the "normal" grieving process is from 6 months to 1 year, but each individual grieves in their own way and in their own time period. I have tried to give his things away, but each time I put something in a donation box I have a panic attack and cannot finish it. I did give my sons and grandsons some of his personal belongings I thought he would like them to have. We lived on social security so, we are not wealthy, but he had a few things to pass on.

Like many families, his siblings pretty much lived their own lives and rarely even called. My husband felt abandoned by his siblings, but very much loved the children and grandchildren. We married when the boys were teens, but he loved them as if they were his own children, and oh, did he adore the grandsons. Grief is hard for everyone; it very much takes a toll on everyone who loved the one who died. We find ourselves watching videos and looking at pictures and it is bittersweet. When Charlie was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's disease I started recording little videos of him being silly and making memories...for me mostly. I thought we had a few years left to do that, but COVID had other ideas. It has claimed so many and there are so many wondering what to do with their lives. I always told him I wouldn't know what to do without him and I do not; I am so lost. For the past 2 years, since his diagnosis, we spent nearly every waking hour together. I think that makes it more difficult to try and go on without him as we did pretty much everything together. He sang a song to me a few months before he became ill and it says "I see you in everything...all day". He had no idea how much that song would come to mean to me.

We agreed that when our time came we would be cremated and I thought carrying around a tiny urn with ashes would be morbid. Now I wish I had gotten it. We had planned to go to towns we hadn't been to before and maybe have lunch there, even though he had been there and simply didn't remember. I just learned to say okay, where would you like to go when we could. If I had the tiny urn I could go to those towns and "take him with me". I suppose this is God's way of opening my eyes to the way others grieve even if they know their loved ones are with Jesus. I always thought it silly to visit someone's grave because their spirit was no longer there, one way or the other. Now I find myself spending a lot of time at my husband's grave and "talking with him', much like others do. I change out the flowers, sit and talk to him, feel close to him there. Now I very much understand why loved ones visit graves. It is bittersweet, but it brings a certain amount of comfort as my husband was on a ventilator and mostly unresponsive for a month. I can still talk to him and feel like he still hears me. The thing I miss most is his voice. 

I know God, my Father, will get me through this as He promises to do that. Most days I have to ask Him to help me through the day or I just stay around the house in my pajamas. Even as a Christ follower it is so very difficult to get through the grief because we are human beings with real emotions. After spending half of your life with someone it is a major, life-altering experience and it takes a lot of God's love and grace to just get through the day.