Changing identity

For the past 32 years I have held the title of "wife". Now, after my husband went home to be with Jesus several months ago I am  titled "widow". This is an extremely difficult transition to deal with. Although I am still the much loved daughter of the Most High God, it is very devastating to say the least. I awaken each morning and he is not there; I go to bed each night and he is not there; I start to prepare dinner, when I feel like eating, and he is not there to "help me" in the kitchen. I feel like half of me is missing and I am not me anymore. I still cannot go to the grocery store without breaking down and having panic attacks often. The grocery store was Charlie's treasure hunt as he was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's disease; to take the list, find the items and check out was a fun activity to keep his comprehension skills going so, even making a list is difficult.

Everyone tells me that it will get better with time, and it may, but at the moment I have no desire to " get on with my life" as some put it. I understand the stages of grief, and that 6 months to a year is a normal grieving period, but each person is unique in how they respond to the loss of the love of their life. I am a Christ follower ( Christian) and I have my faith to help me survive this horrible ordeal.

When your husband is on a ventilator due to Covid pneumonia for a month, and you watch him fade away little by little each day, a little piece of you fades away each day as well. Once I realized he was actively dying I made the decision, after much prayer, to let him go; he had suffered quite enough and I will spend all eternity with him in heaven when my time comes. Making that decision to take him off of life support and holding him so close until his angels came to take him home wrecked me and haunts me still.  I would not have left him for a moment as even those last moments were so precious to me; to hold him one last time. 

My life is so very empty without him as we spent 24-7 together and did everything together the last 2 years of his life. he became so very anxious if I was out of his sight for even an hour to go to a doctor's appointment. My son lived with us and was a great help with Charlie when I had appointments. It was a break to just get out of the house for an hour or so to go to an appointment. Caregiving for my husband was a labor of love and I am trained in Alzheimer's disease and other dementias as I have a Masters degree in Social Work so, he had very good care. It was very difficult at times, but I loved him so much, and still do, that I would do it all over again given the chance. I still wear my wedding ring as I still consider him my husband. I don't know that I will ever be able to stop wearing it. I know it is early in the grieving process and I may change my mind one day, but that's a thought for another day. Each day that I awaken fully functional is a gift from God and He is right here with me holding me as I go through this. I am grateful for that and that Jesus feels and understands my pain as he suffered grief as well when He was on earth. I know Charlie is in the most beautiful place he could possibly be, surrounded by angels, his mother, all the saints who went before him and lots of love. I know he is healthy, has new lungs, is young again and actually walking around talking to Jesus face to face. I almost envy him and wish daily I could be with him. For now I just have to get through each day as well as I can.